A Curious History

On August 5, 2012, friends of the LFTO Shizno gathered online for a special event. We joined NASA’s JPL team in witnessing the live landing of the Mars Science Laboratory, dubbed ‘Curiosity’, on the fourth planet of our solar system, the heavenly body we call Mars.

Witness our inability to work a Java simulation that tracked Curiosity’s highly complex EDL (Entry, Descent & Landing), and our commentary of JPL’s experts celebrating, as we join together on Skype to fuck up history.

Oh gosh…
It’s already on the ground for me…
The animation changed…
Yeah, now it’s got this little heat shield coming out like this…
I think I have a problem with my animation… I’m looking at the fucking lander (Curiosity already on Mars)…
Yeah me too. It’s like just on the ground.
How the fuck do I change it…

You click the button at the top left corner.
Oh, I see it…
Waiting for start of Odessey UHF relay…
Oh right – Java crashed. Woo! 🙁
Maybe when I started moving so close to ‘sea’, it actually moved me forward in time…

Oh my gosh, it’s wobbling a little bit… It’s adjusting its course…
Oh my goodness…

Oh it IS slowing down. Finally. Jesus!
Guys, the landing site’s getting closer!
I can’t find it (the MSL view control), where is it?
It’s holding a knife behind you, Rane!
NOOO!

…Stupid, goddam controls! I found the orbiter…
This just in: Rane lost the lander.

My client (Java animation applet) is totally broken. It’s saying we’re at the current time. But I’m still on the ground.
OMG Rane you’re in the FUTURE…

…I don’t think that’s how parachutes deploy….
It’s spinning…
Parachute Deploy, 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. POOF! There it is..
The parachute hasn’t even deployed yet for me. Come on. Wow this is lame.
Oh lame.
Oh – there goes the heat shield.
There we go. It just popped up instantly. Good job, guys. Good animation.
I would like to say.. Daft? As you hit ‘1’… My parachute launched.

Ok, so in 15 seconds we’ll be actually out of range of Earth, so…
We need to turn Mars around then.
I will turn this planet around, so help me Sol.

Earth Occultation… Meaning that after this point we’re just guessing.

It gets back and it’s got claw marks all over it… All we’re going to have is broken pieces of the lander, and written on the lens of the camera will be “Stop dropping your shit on our planet”

(To off-mic person) Now they’re just guessing cos it’s actually occulted with Earth, they can’t get telemetry any more. but… Oh! Power to set vehicle – There it is! Oh it’s so cute! Neeerrrrrowww…
Daft, you’re adorable….
Thank you…
That right there is definitely the part where I can see a problem occurring, that actual uh…
Yes. Powered Flight. Excellent.
It’s only 22 – less than a kilometre to go now…
Yeah!
Fifty feet – go…
(To off-mic person) They’re getting information from Oddessy right now actually, so…
Yeah, I was about to say like: don’t they have a satellite?

Rover separation – Oh my gosh…
Yay! It’s down! (It wasn’t)…

They’re standing by- They’re standing by to hear from it…
Come on… Come on… Give us the info, gimme the info…

They’re waiting…

Sky crane has started… the Shizno Control, yeah…
Sky crane has started, it says…

WOO!
YEEEAAAHH! It landed, it landed, it’s good, we’re good!
We need an upbeat pop-song now…

Of course they are – Hey Social Media Guy, come here…
…We won’t beat you up today…
Hey, Social Media Guy, I just wanted to tell you: We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. / Really?
No – Get back to work.
NO. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? YOU RUN THE TWITTER!

It landed – everything is good!

Now we wait for like two hours for pictures.

Images…

Still Strong…
Pictures pictures pictures…
VERY strong…

Thumbnails? (Small 64×64 pixel images from Curiosity).
Thumbnails!
There it is! That’s Mars!
SDF;LKSDJF;LSKF;LHASDLFKHSDFLH
OMG IT’S SOMEONE’S ASS?
Thumbnails!

According to Social Media Guy there is more on the screen…

Well, it’s another successful landing by NASA. Fuck.

Well that’s… that’s decent quality now… (More images)
OMG… OMG…

Rane, you know what happens next, right? We gotta go find the Protean Archives before Cerberus does.
Oh God – Shut up…. Though it’s a good thing we put a Mako on there. That’s the first time in history that anybody’s referred to that Mass Effect vehicle as a ‘good’ thing…

This is going much better than the Apollo 18 mission…
Bravo!
Better written too.
Definitely.

When is it going to find a mirror and start duck-facing into it…

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